HONG KONG -- As Rager Shen told his story, his listeners were in awe.

"I came out to my mother recently," the 21-year-old from Shanghai said plaintively to an audience of about 40 other Chinese tongzhi, or homosexuals. "I always wanted to tell her that I am gay, and finally I did it. She was very upset, but I told her the purpose was so that gays like myself could someday live more easily. She has calmed down a lot now."

Many said they were impressed by Shen but insisted they never could do such a thing. Others questioned the slight, spiky-haired college freshman about whether his act was selfish and whether he merely unburdened himself by burdening his mother.

Shen argued that despite his mother's anguished response--she confined him to their home and confiscated his cell phone for a time--he is "quite certain I did the right thing because she is my mother, and I want her to know me."

What is telling about the exchange is that each of the gays and lesbians who listened to Shen last week are among the most open and politically active in China, Hong Kong and Taiwan. They took four days off work and spent hundreds of dollars to attend the first Tongzhi Conference held in Hong Kong since 1999.

The conference, held at a remote seaside resort cradled by lush tropical hills about an hour's drive northeast of downtown Hong Kong, was so secretive that attendees were not told until last week where it would be held.

1st step toward equality

The attendees listened to lectures on coming out, safe sex and same-sex dating, among others. Those are routine topics for gays and lesbians in the West, but for this audience--mostly people from mainland China who could travel to Hong Kong because of recently relaxed travel restrictions--the gathering was an important, if primitive, step toward equality.

"We have come together to brainstorm and strategize about where the tongzhi movement should be and to reflect on what has transpired in the last few years," said organizer Chung To, whose non-profit Chi Heng Foundation sponsored the event.

Chi Heng is the region's largest gay organization, Chung said, with an annual budget of $250,000 that includes $90,000 from the United Nations to fight the rapid spread of HIV on the mainland.

Perhaps the most significant development since the last conference in 1999 has been the explosion of gay Chinese Web sites, now estimated by Chung to exceed 300. Though government censors have banned books and films dealing with homosexuality, they have been less strict about--or less effective in shutting down--Internet content.

The medium was so important in helping Echo Chen, 29, of Shanghai cope with her sexual orientation that she now operates a site, www.lescn.net, that Webcasts China's first lesbian radio program. The 2-year-old site has 15,000 registered users and is supported in part by donations from four Chinese-American lesbians in the United States, she said.

"I was so pleased to find out there were other girls like me," Chen said, recalling her discovery of gay Internet sites during her mid-20s. "I confirmed my identity on the Internet, so I'm very happy with what I'm doing now."

The status of gay rights varies across China, Hong Kong and Taiwan. Only in Hong Kong are homosexual acts legal, under a 1991 law passed during British rule. The island city, which was returned to China in 1997 but still operates with some autonomy, has one of Asia's busiest gay club scenes. This month's top film draw is "Enter the Phoenix," a comedy about a mob boss' gay son, and the movie's stars were on the cover of April's Chinese edition of Esquire magazine.

Taiwan pride parade

Taiwan, meanwhile, held the first Chinese gay pride parade, in November. Legislation was introduced last year to allow gay couples to "found a family and adopt children," but it was shelved, and Taiwanese attendees at the Tongzhi Conference said they do not expect such legal status for at least a decade.

Mainland China lags in recognition of gays. Only in 2001 did the Chinese Psychiatric Association drop homosexuality from its list of mental disorders. Although no law prohibits homosexuality and there is little harassment in major cities, there have been reports of police blackmailing gays in less-cosmopolitan areas with threats of jail or exposure.

What is similar among China, Hong Kong and Taiwan is that few people appear to be comfortable coming out to their family, many at the conference said. Single people often live with their parents well into adulthood if they have no legal spouse or cannot afford their own home.

A strong patriarchal tradition leaves most Chinese gays terrified of offending and humiliating their families. Many conference attendees said it is easier to leave the matter unspoken.

"They will know soon because I won't be married," said one Taiwanese gay man who asked that his name not be used. "I don't think it's important to tell them directly. It would only hurt my mother, and my father will never understand."

Encouraging openness

Such an attitude frustrates Chung, who believes coming out will lead to more acceptance because the topic will seem less taboo.

"The problem with Chinese people is that when they get a little bit of freedom, they think, `Oh, this is it,'" he complained. "Why join a revolution unless you are so oppressed that you can't bear it anymore?"

But gay activist Roy Birchard of San Francisco was impressed nonetheless and said the conference reminded him of the earliest days of the American gay movement. Birchard was a member of the Gay Activists Alliance, an advocacy group in the 1970s in New York City.

"This is a very important, inspiring event," said Birchard, who became interested in Asian gay issues through a Taiwanese lover who died of AIDS. "This is historic stuff. There will be history books written about this conference."